I’ve been absent now for just over a month. This is not because I have been lazy with my blog posts or because I’ve somehow magically been cured of my depression. Au contraire, in fact. I have been actively writing and have been dealing with bouts of anxiety and depression that have (momentarily) almost hit all-time highs. My writing, however, has mostly been for HUSH Magazine and my latest piece actually created so much controversy that I felt it was best to put the blog on the back-burner for a while until the tension dies down.
While the overall hype has simmered down below the boiling point, I have been made very aware by all those who do not agree with my opinion that I am one hated girl around these parts. For someone who suffers from anxiety and depression as I do, being hated by many members of society does not bode well for my mental stability. However, the support I’ve received from so many people who have commended me for speaking up about an issue that so many are afraid to speak about (for fear of the same repercussions that I’ve received) has strengthened my resolve and helped me to be resilient at a time when I could have completely crumbled. What I have learned from this whole experience is how much I (and many of us) let others’ opinions of us dictate our own sense of happiness, well-being and self-worth. This is BS.
At the end of the day, I like who I am. Wow, did I just say that? Yes, I LOVE who I am, and that’s all that matters. In life, no matter who you are or what you stand for, you can’t please all the people all the time. I’ve struggled with this concept in times past and have sacrificed being true to myself in order to be liked and accepted by others, but this endless cycle of “fakeness” has only made me more miserable. I am proud of myself for speaking up about all sorts of “taboo” issues, ranging from issues centred on mental illness (like I have presented in this blog) to controversial social issues I’ve written about for HUSH and other publications. Speaking up about issues that matter to me is part of who I am and who I’ve always been. People don’t always like it, and people don’t have to like it. I don’t live my life for other people. I live it for myself and my loved ones and the things in life that I believe truly matter.
All this being said, I think I have created enough backlash for myself to deal with for a while, and while I will never stop having strong opinions and emotions about the things that make me tick, I have come to realize how dangerous it can be to voice such opinions. I have received negative backlash about this blog in the past from certain people, and I have received negative backlash (even threats) from people I don’t even know concerning other articles I have written. While I would love to pursue my passion as a writer, it has come to my attention that it’s just not worth it. I don’t make any money from it and I don’t need people threatening me and my family because they didn’t like something I wrote. It’s a cross most writers have to bear: I met an ex-journalist the other day who told me someone threatened his life after he wrote a bad review of the KFC Double Down (one of the greasiest, heart-attack-inducing fast foods on the planet). If there are people out there who are willing to threaten writers over something so ridiculous, then the writing I am capable of is literally just a time bomb waiting for someone to push the big red button.
All I want is to live a quiet, peaceful life with, surrounded by a handful of the people who I truly love, in a small, caring community, as far away from mainstream society as possible. Unfortunately I am stuck where I am for the next couple of years until I finish my schooling and finally have the freedom to move out of the city (a place that gives me more anxiety than any other one contributing factor in my life right now), but in the meantime I have decided to give up writing, give up being a forwardly vocal, opinionated member of my community and essentially just lay low until I can leave this place and create a new life for myself far away from the people and places that make me so very depressed. It is a sad thing that I feel I must essentially banish myself into exile in order to escape persecution for holding certain beliefs, but it is still the way this world operates. While I will always have opinions on society and injustice in this world, I so wish not to be a part of the world as we know it that the best decision for me and my loved ones is to shut my mouth and go about my business as quietly as possible until later in life when I am retired and can resume my career as a writer under an assumed name (so as not to endanger my family) before I die. Until then, I’ve got to do what’s right for me now and stop worrying about speaking up about what I believe are injustices because I actually care about the world I live in. Despite the support I’ve received, sharing my writing, my opinions, my thoughts, feelings and deepest emotions with the world has mainly come back to bit me in the ass. Sorry I could not see this blog through to the end of the year, but it’s time to protect my own interests.
Thank you to all those who have supported me and my ambitions until now. Thank you to all of you who have supported my fight to conquer anxiety and depression. Thank you to all of you who have read my blog and my articles. Thank you to all of you who have been there for me through thick and thin. Thank you to all of you who tried to understand me. I wish you all the very best.