I’ve never been the praying type. In fact, I’ve never been the least bit religious. But today I need the type of strength that doesn’t always come naturally. Today I need to channel my higher power. I surrender my ego. I surrender my ideals. I surrender myself. I surrender all.
While I have received an immense amount of support since starting this blog, I have also received some pretty harsh backlash for being so public about my story, and for involving others where they do not want to be involved. Whether right or wrong, I will no longer speak of the involvement or influence others have had on my life. From now on, those people who I feel have wronged me hold no power, and so there’s no point to speak of them. It has been confirmed, quite recently, that certain people truly will never change or accept responsibility for their own actions. I now let go of any hope or expectations of these people. I am fully responsible for myself, and I am the only one who holds power over my own feelings. Easier said than done, but it’s a learning process.
There is a small (very small indeed) group of people who continue to blame me for all of the negative issues surrounding our relationship. I continue to accept the blame. Guilt overcomes me for feeling solely responsible for all of the hurt I’ve caused them, anxiety rises in me, depression sets in, same old shit over and over. I feel like a hamster stuck in its wheel.
Those who support my efforts to heal have told me repeatedly that I need to learn how to just accept that some people will never be what I want, hope or need them to be. While I will never understand how some people’s egos are powerful enough to suppress their love, all I can do is learn to accept it. It is such a disheartening reality to face, but it is what it is. I must learn to accept it, but not let it destroy my soul.
There is so much I could say about this, but there is no point in babbling on about it, giving these people more credit than they deserve. I may have lacked the strength to overcome my demons in the past, but I know now there is strength in the Universe; in the vast energy that surrounds us. For once, instead of looking to others; instead of looking around; instead of looking inside, I choose to look up. With acceptance in my heart and love in my veins, I go forth with new found strength. Life’s a bitch sometimes, but the power of positive energy is a beautiful thing once you learn to channel it.