Despite the subject matter, this blog is certainly not meant to be all gloom. Going forward, I hope it will be full of glory. I’m not out of the dark yet, but so far today is a pretty good day, and I’m choosing to put the past behind me and move forward with my life. My ultimate goal is to be in a place of true contentment by the end of this year.
I have to admit, I’ve slipped up a bit ever since I posted My Story: The Bare Bones Tale. I’ve started smoking again (although not as much as before); I’ve had at least one night of drunken escape from my negative emotions; I’ve had that sinking feeling more than once -one time so bad that I turned to the Vancouver Crisis Centre for help because I really wasn’t sure I could keep on living in this world. For all of the weight that I feel has been lifted since sharing my story in a very transparent and vulnerable way, I have felt equal amounts of guilt and shame which have weighed me back down. In my heart I feel really good about it, but in my head I feel shameful. It’s not an easy feat to quiet the voices in your head, or to decipher which internal voice means well and which one means to destroy you. This is the battle I fight every day.
But each day is a new day: Another chance to get it right. Every day is the first day of a new life. Today is the first day of my new life, and despite my setbacks, I’m very much in progress. I’m learning that vulnerability is a beautiful thing, and that it is a feeling we can all connect on whether we fear it or embrace it. I’m not gonna lie, allowing myself to be vulnerable has been one of the most difficult things I’ve done in my entire life, but also one of the most interesting sensations I’ve experienced.
I was given the opportunity to attend the Oprah show last night as she appeared in Vancouver. While I’m still waiting for one of the sponsors to send me the complete show notes, I will share with you the one thing that Oprah said which struck me the most: “We are not human beings on a spiritual journey, we are spiritual beings on a human journey.” And with that, I had my very own “Aha!” moment.
I am now trying to follow that mantra: “I am a spiritual being on a human journey.” Somehow, it seems to make all of the ups and downs in life seem equally worthwhile. The human journey is, after all, made up of both good and bad experiences as well as both positive and negative emotions. Instead of feeling sad and angry that I’ve been cursed with such a negative illness, I am beginning to feel grateful that I have been blessed with such a sincere human experience. While there is truly nothing better than the sensation of pure joy, opposing feelings of guilt, fear and sadness have caused me to look inward on a deeper level than I might otherwise. I’ve learned so much about life through this reflectiveness. At the end of the day (or at the end of our physical lives on Earth) what matters most is what we’ve learned and how we’ve chosen to use this knowledge. If nothing else, I am grateful for the learning experience I’ve been blessed with. I am eternally grateful for the blessing of life on Earth. Cheers to the beginning of a spiritual awakening and to the blessing of the human experience, in all of its gloom and glory.