A few days ago I decided to share my story. I decided to share private details in a very public way in order to illustrate what exactly it is that this blog is about. I felt it was necessary to do so in order for readers to really understand what the issues are that have led to the healing process that I’ve decided to write about. It was definitely not easy to do, but then again, nothing that’s worth it comes easy.
I was absolutely overwhelmed with the amount of people who read the post, and even more overwhelmed by the amount of support and encouragement I received afterwards. I had people I thought I knew well, and some I barely even know messaging me, telling me about their own similar struggles and thanking me for being so transparent about mine. I felt really good about what I had done, despite what flaws it may have revealed about me. The point is, I’m not just doing this for my own health, I’m doing this for all of the people who have suffered like me, in silence for so long. I’m doing it for all the teenagers like Amanda Todd, some of whom were brave enough to be very public about their own struggles, but for whom it is now too late. I know a great deal of people are concerned about me after reading my last post, but it really is actually a part of getting better. In my case, I’m not crying out for help, I’m just being very open and honest about this issue that is more widespread than it seems because nobody talks about it. So often people who are in turmoil try to be honest about their feelings, but they’re afraid to open up completely for fear of judgment and rejection, and so they go through life either living a lie or eventually taking their own life in some cases, and by that time it’s too late. For those who do feel like suicide is the only answer, it is often not until they carry out the deed that people actually take notice and say “I had no idea this person felt this way” or “they seemed so happy.” This is the step that is missing between living a lie and ending life: Transparency, vulnerability, understanding, acceptance, support and healing. This is what the world needs more of, because too many people are hurting for one reason or another.
For me personally, I know what I did was the right thing, and that it is for the greater good. But I also know that it was hard to read for some people and may have hurt those closest to me to find out some of these things through a very public blog. But it’s the only way I could share it with certain people whom I’ve never felt I could talk to honestly about it. Of course, despite feeling empowered that I’m advocating for the greater good, I have still been going through pure hell for the past day or so, ever since some of my family members started calling after reading my blog. I guess I realized that it’s not just the masses who have access to what I wrote, it’s people who know me and care about me and share a bloodline with me. The only person I’ve really had absolutely no contact with yet is my dad. I’m not sure if he’s read it yet, and I’m terrified of his reaction. He’s never been very understanding and has a way of turning it back on me to make me feel like everything is my fault, so my breathing’s been a lot heavier lately and my stomach has been in knots anticipating the moment when I have to speak to him. Every time I have tried to talk to him about my issues in the past, I’m somehow the one who ends up apologizing and “admitting” that it’s all my fault. I’m really scared that despite the progress I’ve been making, I will fail at resolving the issues with my dad yet again, and I will assume the guilt and responsibility of all of my problems once more. I’m really scared that he’ll berate me for feeling the way I do, for voicing it so publicly and for being so “selfish.” He’s always made me feel very selfish. The thing about it is, I’ve been told many times by several people that he will never change and I just need to accept that and move on, but there is always a glimmer of hope that things might be different this time around. I guess this is my last shot. If I don’t get the response I’m looking for I need to close that chapter and move on. As hard as it would be to have no contact with my dad, if I don’t get the love and acceptance I’ve so desperately needed from him my whole life, then my only chance at closure is to put him in my past.
Dad, if you are reading this, I love you, and I just want you to show me that you love me, but if you can’t do that I understand. I won’t be mad at you. I just need to know.
To all of the little boys and girls who miss their daddys; to all of the teenagers who feel that self-inflicted pain is their only escape from bullying and peer pressure and anxiety; to all of the adults just trying to make an honest way in this world, you are not alone, you are not doomed to end up lonely and depressed forever, and you are loved more than you know.