Out of Clear Blue

May 21, 2013
by Anna Wild Leave a comment

Exploitation Depression

I was robbed yesterday. After a lovely birthday weekend getaway with my partner, we were on our way to our ferry in Nanaimo on Vancouver Island and we were making good time, so we decided to stop and check out a little second-hand store I’d spotted a couple of days earlier. I should have known better when we parked around back (the only parking in the area) and it seemed we were parked in a residential driveway -one with trash all over and shady-looking people coming and going. But for some reason -maybe it’s because I try to see the good in people- I just assumed that there was lots of trash out back because the store must get a lot of donated goods and some are probably just crap… And those shady-looking characters? I just figured they were groundskeepers or janitorial staff or some sort of employees. It never struck me that the second-hand store was operating on the opposite side of a crack house.

When we entered the store, I asked the clerk if it was okay to park out back. She told me that it was no problem, and so we went ahead and browsed the store for 15 or 20 minutes. I ended up choosing just a couple small items and paid a total of $8.00 for my finds. ‘Score,’ I thought. ‘I’m so awesome at finding good deals and saving money.’ Little did I know at that moment that my $8.00 purchase was actually about to cost me hundreds of dollars and sink me into depression yet again.

When we returned to our car, my door was slightly ajar, even though I know we had locked the doors. My eyes darted from the door to the glove box, which was hanging open, and then my attention fell onto my laptop bag which had clearly been rifled through. I started to panic and my heart jumped into my throat. I threw the door open and checked underneath my bag, where I had hidden my iPod from view. The auxiliary cable was limp on the floor… My i Pod was gone. Luckily I had made a last-minute decision not to bring my laptop, so when I opened my bag I found everything in its place, (apparently thieves and crackheads have no use for calculators and algebra textbooks. Go figure). But my iPod! My $350 iPod! Mine! And now it’s in someone else’s hands, without my permission, and they will probably sell it for drug money ($20 maybe?) and they’ll get high and it will all be forgotten but I will still be without my iPod and will have to work approximately 15 hours to afford a new one… FIFTEEN HOURS! That’s what these lowlifes took from me. They sucked time out of my life; time that is the most precious commodity we have in this mortal world. Money is one thing, but I can never get back time that is lost, and I just lost an iPod AND 15 hours!

I was (and still am) devastated. I’ve been feeling depressed ever since it happened. It’s not so much that I no longer have my iPod, it’s that someone else just took it from me, as if they are entitled to what is mine and I am not; as if they have rights and I don’t. It was so frustrating to stand there like an idiot while the shop owner pounded on each of the three doors that guarded the crack shacks out back. A few people emerged from their dark, heavily-curtained holes. One girl was twitching and scratching profusely at her arms. Another man was rocking back and forth, stunned and stuttering. The third guy was yelling at the storekeeper. “You don’t know who did it! You can’t just start accusing us!”

I knew exactly who had done it, no question. It was the third guy -the one who was suddenly so defensive. He had been lurking outside when we first arrived, eyeing us up and down and glancing over at our car as we walked by him. Again, I blamed myself for my incredible naivety. I truly thought he was an honest guy who was probably just sizing us up to see who was parking in the driveway and making sure we weren’t leaving the premises to explore the town. Yes, I was that stupid. I was also stupid enough to leave something valuable in the car, even though I’ve had things stolen out of previous cars many times before. I took the time to hide my iPod, but not the time to unplug it and put it in my purse. I deserved this. I should have known better. I had made myself vulnerable and allowed myself to be exploited. That’s when the depression started.

I’m not depressed about losing my iPod, nor am I depressed to the point of suicide over something so trivial.I’m depressed that I live in a world where people take advantage of each other for their own selfish gain. I’m depressed that by having faith in people, I am the one who gets screwed. I’m depressed that I go to work and bust my ass, put on a happy face and kiss people’s asses just to make an honest buck, but others do nothing but sit on their ass and take advantage of good people who work hard for what they have. I’m depressed that I live in a world where everybody just seems to think of themselves rather than the good of their communities and fellow man.

My guard is back up now, and I am being incredibly hard on myself for not having prevented something that was so preventable. I am more determined than ever that I will not be taken advantage of again, but I know I cannot guarantee this. It all seems pointless. If I try to do the right thing and live lawfully and have faith in people, I get taken advantage of. But if I put my walls back up, trust no one and take advantage of people right back, my relationships will suffer and I will not be happy with who I am as a person. Incidents like this make me feel that I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. We live in a jungle where everybody is essentially out for their own best interests and their own survival, and if others have to suffer for it, tough luck. I don’t want to live in this world. I guess that’s the big reason why many people -including myself- get depressed and think of ending their life. Sometimes it seems that’s the only way out of a world where we are all at the mercy of being exploited by each other; trampled on; kicked around; disrespected. There are very few corners left on this planet where communities live in peace and everybody tries to love and look out for each other. I try to be optimistic, but as a realist, I know that we will never change our ways. It’s incredibly disheartening and it leaves me with little hope for this world. I am trying to look on the bright side and count my blessings, of which I have many. But sometimes all it takes is an incident like this to plunge me into depression once more and make me wonder, ‘what’s the point?’ You can work your whole life for something, and in an instant somebody else can just take it from you. The only thing that gets me through is the thought that someday I will move to one of these rare corners of the world where I can live the rest of my days in peace in a loving, caring community. One day I will escape the jungle.

May 13, 2013
by Anna Wild Leave a comment

The Grieving Process

My grandma, mother and I in 2010. Family: The most important thing in the world. Spend time with them before it’s too late.

My grandmother died last week. As it turns out, what we thought were side effects from her alzheimer’s medication turned out to be related to a much more serious health problem: Cancer. My mother and aunt took her into the doctor last Monday and were immediately told to take her to the hospital. Three days later, she was gone.

How long did she have cancer for? We don’t know. How did it go undetected? Beats me. It doesn’t really matter. She’s dead now. Needless to say it has been a tough past few days, what with Mother’s Day and all. But with my grief also came relief: Relief that she is no longer suffering; relief that she is no longer feeling depressed and wanting to die; relief that maybe -just maybe- she’s with my grandpa somewhere, dancing with him like they used to do. Sometimes, death is a relief.

As I watched her take her last breath, it made me acutely aware of my own mortality, and of life’s “bigger picture.” One day, I too will die. One day, I will want nothing more than to feel that I have lived a full, happy life, because one day that’s all that will matter. Depression, sorrow, anxiety over the small stuff… None of it matters in the end. It’s just wasted time and energy. The world keeps turning no matter what. And to think, not long ago I seriously considered ending my life because I couldn’t see the good in this world.

Every time someone close to you dies, it is a major turning point in your life, should you choose to see it that way. For me, I reflect on the fleeting nature of life on this planet, and my life changes course and gets back on the track that I want to be on: The track of appreciation for every breath we are granted; for every joy; for every moment spent with the ones we love. Death is hard, but it is a beautiful reminder of the sanctity of life. It is so easy to get off track -as I well know- and to begin to see the world in a negative light. Stress, anxiety, depression, anger, sorrow, grief, hurt, pain… These are all very real emotions and they too are a part of life. But we must try not to let them cloud our vision. We must look for the good, because there is just as much good in this world as there is bad. Happiness, laughter, love, togetherness, connections, joy, euphoria, friendship, intimacy, family… We tend to take these things for granted because we are too preoccupied with all of the negative emotions. But that does not mean that they are not there. Sometimes you need to believe in the good to know it exists, whether it is clear or not. Through the loss of my grandmother, the remaining members of my family are now even closer than we were. The people who don’t matter are farther away. The bad falls apart, and only the good remains close to my heart.

To my grandma, my grandpa, my uncle, my cousin and my friends that I’ve lost over the past few years, I miss you all like crazy and would give anything to have you back, but the lessons you’ve taught me by leaving are priceless, and are worth almost as much to me as you all are. Thank you. I love you.

May 6, 2013
by Anna Wild Leave a comment

Apathy and Depression Runs in the Family

I’ve been a bad blogger. I broke my promise of publishing at least one post a week. It has been two weeks and two days since my last post, and for that I am sorry. The thing is, I’ve had a lot going on. I had finals at school, ran into an old acquaintance who completely threw my life into a negative down spiral for a week, have been working like crazy and have been busy writing and editing for HUSH Magazine as their new website will be launching in just a couple of hours. On top of that, my grandmother has been very ill and family time has been of utmost importance to me lately.

The good news is, I received all of my final grades back and ended the semester with two A pluses and one A minus. All of my anxiety and stress over my schoolwork paid off. I would say it was all for nothing, but the truth is, anxiety is my blessing as well as my curse. It has driven me to very dark, scary places, but it has also driven me to reach my goals and fulfill my capabilities. Oh, and the acquaintance I ran into? Well, other than almost getting tangled up in a very frightening web of drugs and gangsters, I managed to escape with my life. Here’s hoping it’s the last time I run into somebody like that from my past. Work -although time-consuming- is just fine and I’m working towards financial (debt) freedom, so I’m finding I’m able to breathe a little easier. And HUSH has been wonderful for me. I find myself a little lost sometimes as it is a new role for me and I am facing a learning curve, but I love that I have such a kick-ass forum to express myself and do what I’m most passionate about. All in all, I am in a really good place right now and I have not felt truly anxious or depressed for quite some time. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for my poor grandma.

It is so hard to watch someone who has reached the end of their life. Not that my grandma’s literally on her death bed or anything, but since my grandpa died it has been a slow decline for her. After being diagnosed with early alzheimer’s, she was prescribed medication which was supposed to slow the process of her memory degeneration down. Unfortunately, she has experienced every side effect possible with this drug, the most troubling of which is apathy. While my mom and my aunt are fussing over the fact that she has completely lost her appetite and almost refuses to eat, I am more worried about her state of indifference and her lack of passion for life.

Despite being pale and grey, she doesn’t want to go outside to get any sun or fresh air. Despite wasting away, she has no interest in eating. Despite potentially having years of life left, she refuses to enjoy a single minute of it. This is not completely new. My grandma has been the apathetic type for a long time. She’s never had a zest for life that drove her to do anything truly incredible or exciting. It seems as if most of her life has been a chore and now she’s just tired of it all. I remember finding a book about depression on her bedside table years ago, and I think that if mental illness runs in the family, it has definitely been passed down from her side.

The problem is, you will never get better if you do nothing to help yourself. I am proof of that. I did nothing to help myself for years before starting this blog and making a commitment to my own happiness and well-being this year. Nothing changed until I changed. Likewise, I know that if we could just get my grandmother to reignite whatever spark fuelled her passion for life in times gone by, it might just be possible to save her. Unfortunately, I don’t believe she will ever get that spark back.

I wish there was something we could do to help her. I wish there was a pill or a shot that we could give her that would heal her. But with depression, there is no magic cure. We have taken her off the medication that has been giving her these side effects, but there is no way for us to magically cure her sadness or her apathy. We can support and encourage her, but only she can cure herself. In my heart, I don’t believe she will fight for herself, and so there is nothing to do but watch and wait for the inevitable to come. It is a slow and painful process.

I refuse to be my grandmother. It breaks my heart to see her this way, but I have learned that I do not own the problems of others. I will be there for her every step of the way, but I won’t let it bring me down. And one day when I’m old and grey, my thirst for life will still be unquenchable. I will never give up.

I know how hard it can be to pull yourself out of the black hole of depression. I’ve been there. I’ve wanted to give up. I’ve wanted to die. But now I know that it’s possible to overcome it, and it’s never too late. Whether you have to change your lifestyle, quit your job or vent your problems to the world like I have done in this blog, the most important thing is that you do what you need to do to feel better. There is always a better tomorrow waiting just around the corner. My tomorrow is here today and I’m so happy I’m still here to enjoy it. For my grandma, her tomorrow seems bleak because she has already given up. I wish I could make her see how wonderful the rest of her life could be if she’d only make the commitment to try to enjoy it. But, just like everybody, she only sees what she wants to see. There is nothing I or anybody else can do to change that. I wish her the best and I love her with all my heart. My love goes out to my grandma -my “nanny”- and to all those suffering from depression and a lack of passion for life. I cannot change the way you view the world, but I can assure you, it can be so much better with a different set of lenses.

April 20, 2013
by Anna Wild Leave a comment

An Ode to 4:20

I am an advocate of cannabis legalization. Anybody who knows me at all probably knows that. And so, on this day (4:20), I want to pay tribute to all those working towards the legalization and (at very least) de-stigmatization of cannabis and cannabis consumption.

I will start by saying that I have cut down immensely on my own personal use of marijuana. I find that while it enhances my creativity (which has helped me beyond words with my writing -no pun intended), it also triggers my anxiety and depression. I do still use recreationally, but hardly at all. I am very much okay with saying “no thank you,” and passing it on to the left.

However, that does not at all mean that my views on marijuana have changed at all. I believe we should all have the right to choose whether or not we partake in cannabis consumption. Aside from it’s mild effects (in comparison to harder drugs and, um, alcohol -which is legal) cannabis has been proven to be an excellent form of alternative medicine for a range of disorders. There are many people who depend on marijuana to help ease their pain, balance their emotions and take them to a happier place over all. While I don’t condone such things as smoking and driving, etc… I believe that if used with caution and good judgment, there is nothing wrong with marijuana use -certainly no more wrong than alcohol use, which again, is legal.

It is time that we reform these ancient laws that prohibit us from deciding whether or not to use a plant product for medicinal or recreational purposes. Doctors have no problem prescribing all sorts of horrible chemical concoctions to help with a rainbow of different ailments, and I can vouch from personal experience that these prescription pharmaceutical drugs can be much more detrimental to one’s physical and mental health, not to mention addictive. If smoking a plant can help someone who would otherwise be prescribed some chemical creation, why are we still persecuting people for it?

I could go on and on about the benefits of marijuana use, but that’s not the point here. The point is that we should have the right to choose, and should not be “criminalized” for our choices regarding cannabis consumption.

I will not be partaking in the Vancouver 4:20 celebrations today as I will be responsibly working all day, but it is a day and a cause that is close to my heart, regardless whether or not I use it myself or not. I will always support legalization and those who choose to use it for the right reasons. To all those working towards a future full of more freedom of choice, I salute you. Happy smoking to all today, and to those who choose not to partake, all my love: After all, it’s your choice.

Anna Wild

April 12, 2013
by Anna Wild Leave a comment

Spring Cleaning

I love spring. There’s a revitalized energy in the springtime air. Everything is renewing itself and blossoming into its own best version. Spring is like nature’s reset button: It is a chance to slough off the old and start fresh. It’s no wonder spring and cleaning go together. When it comes to the home, spring cleaning is all about getting rid of the old and outdated; the unusable and unnecessary; the crap and the clutter. It is about clearing some space for the fresh and new (or simply clearing some space). But spring cleaning isn’t just for the home, it’s for your mind and body as well. This year I am focusing my own spring cleaning on my physical body in hopes that the mind will follow.

Many times in the past, when I went through bouts of depression, I attributed it to the weather (or seasonal affective disorder). Last year when I went through sever depression during the sunshine months, I knew there was something more to my mood than simply the seasons’ influence. This year, as winter turns to spring, I am feeling back on track with my emotional wellbeing, and I want to keep it that way.

One thing that I have noticed that has been affecting my mood lately is the state of my physical body. At times I’ve felt quite sluggish with no energy. I’ve felt cramped and toxic. I think this is a byproduct of winter for me as the shitty weather means that I pretty much hole up inside and lay around a lot which makes me feel grey and lifeless. In turn, I often get depressed. And when I’m depressed I have even less energy to do anything, creating a vicious cycle of lethargic depression. But with spring comes the promise of better weather on the rise and more opportunity to get active and refreshed. Today I am using spring to my full advantage.

I’ve decided to do a body cleanse. Now, I’m not giving up carbs for an all-juice diet or anything quite yet, but I really want to focus on eating whole foods and drinking as much water as possible to see what kind of a difference it will make to my overall wellbeing. I began today, and although I’m feeling more drowsy than usual (probably a first-day thing), I am literally feeling less toxic inside. Now, I’m sure that knowing that I’m putting only healthy foods and drink into my body is probably having a placebo effect on my brain right now, accounting for me feeling better on the first day of a cleanse, but who cares? If my body feels better because my mind feels better because I am attempting to make my body better, then there’s really no downside!

I also went for a really long walk today. I have given up driving (for many reasons) and am travelling on a bus pass and a prayer now, but when I have the time, I walk. The walk today helped me clear my mind, rebalance myself and get some much needed vitamin D from the brilliant sunshine gracing Vancouver today. I also brought a full water bottle with me and vowed to drink the entire thing before going home as I really don’t drink enough pure water. Between the walk and the cleansing action of drinking copious amounts of water today, I was able to return home feeling relaxed calm and relaxed.

I’m going to try to stick with this new routine. I’ve said it so many times before, but my life tends to get too hectic and taking care of my physical body somehow always slips to last place on my list of priorities. I learned today though, that if I take the time to take care of myself first thing, then the rest of the day’s tasks will flow much easier.

I’ve bitten off another stress load (as I too often do) and I am now juggling school (with finals in two weeks), a job with a hectic schedule, writing for my blog and for Hush Magazine as well as editing and running a team of four writers for Hush’s new Social Commentary section which I am in charge of. Between all of this comes all the extra-curriculars (like homework, editorial meetings, on-call shifts) as well as trying to make time for my family, friends and super amazing boyfriend (who has also just assumed a new role at a new job). Usually I would be spiralling towards a full mental breakdown right about now; my anxiety would be through the roof and I would be telling myself there is no way I can handle it all and that I should just quit life. Not this time. I am stressed, for sure. But I think what I’m feeling this time is healthy stress. I know I have responsibilities and I need to try my best to do my best, but if I can’t keep up with everything I am not going to beat myself up about it. I am doing these things for me, first and foremost, and if I am suffering because of them then I will re-prioritize and cut out whatever is holding me back. The world’s pressure is on me full force, but I’m giving myself a break. I’m only human after all.

In any case, my mind and physical body are a top priority right now and I intend to keep them that way. Good in, good out: If I nourish myself as best I can, then I will produce the best work I am capable of. That’s the thought process anyways. We’ll see how it goes:)

Happy Springtime!

April 5, 2013
by Anna Wild Leave a comment

You Can’t Please All the People All the Time

I have certainly questioned my actions numerous times since starting this blog. First of all, despite the heaps of support I have received since I started writing about my struggle with depression, I have received a fair bit of negative backlash as well, almost entirely from people who have, in some way, been involved with past events that have contributed to my mental issues. I understand that some people feel hurt by my choice to make my story public. I had no illusions that there wouldn’t be at least a handful of people who were offended. But I also had to be true to myself and share my story in complete honesty. At the end of the day, I am learning that being true to yourself must always come first and foremost because, for the most part, everybody in this world is worried about themselves, not you, so you need to do what’s right for you because you can’t count on others to do it for you. That being said, I have still beat myself up at times for sharing my story, for “outing” others and myself, and for even starting this blog in the first place. Despite the fact that we live in an age of social media where everybody’s business is public all the time, I do understand that we only want to put our best face forward and we would prefer that “the dirt” be swept under the rug. I don’t believe in this. I believe that we need more honesty in this world no matter what the truth is, and so that’s why I decided to follow my moral compass and lay everything on the table in this blog.

After I graduated from university with a journalism degree, I decided I didn’t want to be a writer anymore, not because I no longer enjoyed it, but because I was worried about the negative backlash I would get from people who disagreed with what I was writing. Clearly, it was a valid concern. But I have learned that you’re never going to make everybody happy, and your life’s talent, passion and gift should not suffer for that. I am sure I will get myself into loads more trouble in the future, but I will no longer let that stifle me.

Receiving negative backlash does hurt. Behind my seemingly tough exterior, I am a very caring person who wants only the best for people, and it upsets me deeply when I have hurt someone, whether I know them or not. It makes me depressed. It ruins my day. But I am learning to pick myself up and keep on going because that’s what life is all about. All we can do is live and act the best way we know how and forgive ourselves for our mistakes, our pasts and our errors in judgment, as well as for just being ourselves whether people like it or not. My heart is heavy today, and I feel grey and gloomy like the sky. In the past, I might have spiralled into a bout of depression on a day like this, but not this time. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and I’m still here, ready to live and, if necessary, fight another day. To all my supporters and my adversaries, I appreciate all the lessons you continue to teach me everyday. Love to you all.

April 3, 2013
by Anna Wild Leave a comment

Bloggers: Call of the Anna Wild!

I’m taking a week off of writing about my setbacks and successes to focus on an area of my life that’s been giving me a whole lot of hope and a sense of purpose: My involvement with HUSH Magazine. I will be heading up the lifestyle section of the Vancouver-based publication and am currently looking for dynamic writers looking to get their name out there and share their stories and wisdom with a large readership. The focus will be on health, food and travel.

Hush’s mantra is “raw, honest, local.” If you are a writer between 19 and 35 and are from the Vancouver area, I would love to hear from you (and read what you’ve got). If anyone is interested in writing for Hush, please message me and/or send me your email address and I will send you the Hush Contributor’s Kit to get you started. As an entry-level writer, I’d be looking for three great story pitches. Our team would then decide which stories would fit the magazine best and then you can get writing and get published.

Hush is about to launch a brand new website and will be going to print soon too. This is a great opportunity for anyone with a well-versed, unapologetic voice, an arsenal of great content and a dream of being published in a trend-setting urban publication. If this sounds like you, please contact me via WordPress or by email at annalynnwild@gmail.com.

I look forward to hearing from you.